Effective Communication

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Five levels of listening:

1. Not listening. Pretty basic place to start the scale, eh? This is that stage where you are either so preoccupied with something on your mind or just genuinely don't care a lick for the person speaking, that you just completely tune them out. Not even eye contact or a pretend nod. Kosher level: -15. Don't do this.

2. Pretending to listen. This is when you throw out that verbal ya or uh-huh every ten to fifteen seconds at a weak attempt to have the speaker wrap it up. News flash! No one actually falls for this. Some of us though, are dying for an audience so bad that we will accept this as a valid form of communicating.

3. Selective listening. Here is the point where the listener picks out key points and keeps them locked away upstairs just in case the speaker asks a question or for advice. However, we still arn't really listening- we're just playing the game, cheating the system.

4. Attentive listening. In this step, the listener is listening enough that they can hear the words that are being spoken and construct them coherently in his mind. At any point, the listener would be able to repeat back the main ideas of the topic and actually seem to know what they are talking about.

5. Empathetic listening. This is when the listener not only hears the words that are being spoken, but can feel the feelings that are being conveyed as well. Every human being wants their feelings to be understood, affirmed, validated, and appreciated. This is when that takes place. This is the best way to connect with another person and have them feel like you truely care.

In stage five, there are actually four sub stages as well.

The four stages of empathetic listening are as follows:

A. Active or reflective. Here is where the listener can repeat back what is being said and can show that he understands what the speaker is saying.

B. Rephrasing. If a listener can rephrase what is being said by the speaker, it shows that he is really listening and trying to see if what he is hearing will be affirmed by the speaker.

C. Reflecting the feelings. If you notice the pattern, this is when the listener can show the affirmation and understandability mentioned above, as well as validating the feelings of the speaker. By showing the listener has an understanding of the feelings, the speaker will feel better about sharing information.

D. Rephrasing and reflecting. This is the whole nine yards. When it all comes together. You can show you understand the content and the feelings, as well as rephrase them to show understanding, verbalize them to show validation, and empathize with them to show appreciation. There is no deeper level of communication and I assure any two people, that if they communicate at such a level- the will have a generally happier life with each other. Try it out. And be aware it may take some time to get the hang of. But wouldn't just knowing that you're both trying make it better already?